I Don't Love You
by lea.cielo
Summary: The first time she heard those words, 9 year old Lisa Cuddy was in a school play…


Title: I Don't Love You

Summary: The first time she heard those words, 9 year old Lisa Cuddy was in a school play…

Rating: K

Spolier: Season VI, Episode 'Help me'

Disclaimer: House M.D. belongs to all of those brilliant people who work for Fox. :)

Author's Note: I found new obsession – it's called 'House M.D' Complete obsession… There's no turning back… :) This is not my first fic but it's my first House fic… I hope you like it… All mistakes are mine and enjoy!

**~ I Don't Love You ~**

"I don't love you…"

The first time she heard those words, 9 year old Lisa Cuddy was in a school play. She played the Sun and the harsh words came from the Moon; their love was impossible because the Moon was in love with the stars that kept him company every night.

And as the words left the mouth of a young boy dressed in a yellow costume with tiny glitters, Lisa Cuddy, barely tall enough to touch the last shelf in their home, was stunned. She knew that the words weren't directed personally to her, she was old enough to realize that everything was part of a script but still… they created strange feelings within her, something she, at that very young age, couldn't define.

All she knew was that they left unexplainable trace on her childish-heart.

* * *

"I don't love you…"

This time she laughed at this statement as she pulled the shirt over a boy's head.

"I don't love you either but that doesn't mean we can't have sex…"

She licked her lips and took boy's breath away by placing intoxicated kiss on his lips. As a 19 year old, Lisa Cuddy knew there's no need for love when your body was searching for a physical release. So this sentence had no effect on her.

Long ago was forgotten those strange feelings she felt as a 9 year old.

Because right now, all she needed was release.

Something that will keep her mind off everything, give her what she needed without pretending to care. She needed to forget…

* * *

"I don't love you…"

This time she cried. She couldn't stop the tears. She didn't want to stop them.

29 year old Lisa Cuddy stood in front of a mirror, staring at her tearstained face, repeating the hurtful words on and on and on in her head. He, a person who caused her a current pain, soon-to-be-another-ex-lover, was standing by the door, suitcase in his hand, ready to say goodbye to everything they've been building for the past two years. Apparently, everything she's been building for the past two years.

Half an hour later after he left she was still in the same position, repeating the same words and not believing in the pain they were reflecting. Every breath she took felt like a burn in her lungs. Silence that entered her life after his leaving torn her apart and she blamed herself.

Just like she always did.

Those strange feelings she felt 20 years ago at the same spoken sentence came back in a full blow and this time she could perfectly define them. Pain. Shame. Regret. Blame.

Here she was - 29 year old with a career that could astound everyone, with a brain that could amaze the best and the brightest in this world, with a killer body that makes man insane and women envy her, failing at the one thing that she's secretly craving the most.

Love.

One thing she's sure it'll be hard to get. Hard to feel.

* * *

"I don't love you…"

This time she wasn't a victim, she was the assaulter. A person who was provoking pain instead of feeling it. And even now after she said those words it didn't feel right. It felt wrong. Very wrong.

His ability to hurt her with a single sentence came out again as a sharp knife that poked that same barely healed place inside of her. And this time it didn't hurt less either. But the difference was that she poked back. Probably deeper than all of those times when he stung her.

And even after she found legitimate reasons for everything she said, and after she silently vowed to herself she will not feel guilty, everything she wanted to believe in collapsed within three seconds, the exact time he needed to shoot her a look before he arrogantly closed that ambulance doors and break her in half.

She's sitting in her car in front of his condo two hours later, back at the beginning. Silence of the night helped her think clearly but still there's no answer to the question she desperately asking since the moment she left her engagement ring on Lucas' dining table.

Or perhaps she's just too afraid to say out loud that she's here because she's searching for that one thing she's craving for so long, a thing that might leave her with nothing right after she gave up everything.

She took a deep breath, calming her trembling ice-cold hands before quietly entered his apartment, hoping to add that last piece of a puzzle to her almost perfect life.

- the END -


End file.
